JOKE THREAD

[nomeradona]

First topic message reminder :

gawa nga tayo ng joke thread. basta clean jokes lang ha.

una na ako...

BAMPIRA

sa Pilipinas daw, dahil sa kahirapan ng buhay marami na daw yung mga bampira. listen to the telphone conversation. si Ina tinawagan si Noynoy na nasa Saudi

INA: Noynoy sensya na anak napatawag ako, kasi si Junjun may sakit, la naman kami dito, wala BAMPIRA dyan.
si Neneng wala ring isuot sa Prom, wala BAMPIRA dyan. ganun din si Bokbok walang pangmatrikula wala BAMPIRA talaga dyan.

diba ang daming Bampira.

[carla3d]

Si Odie daming baon..basta kalokohan number 1..hihihi..dagdagan mopa kuya... Happy New Year

hahaha.,., nkakatuwa naman dto ang dami joke sumaya tuloy ako kahit malungkot hihihi.,., more more more.,.,.

[oDi120522]

salamat lola les...wehehehe... ...heto pa isa.... enjoy!!!


REINCARNATION NG ISANG LASENGGO...

As always! Madaling araw na naman nakauwi si RIKARDO galing sa inuman at
lasing na lasing. Pag dating niya ay tulog na ang kanyang MISIS kaya
tumabi na lang siya sa kama at natulog na rin. Kinaumagahan, sa muling
pagmulat ng mga mata ni RIKARDO ay nakita niya na ang katabi ay isang
lalaki, bigla syang nagulat at bumangon!

RIKARDO : Sino ka! At ano ang ginagawa mo dito sa kuwarto namin?

SAN PEDRO : Huminahon ka RIKARDO. Hindi ito ang kuwarto niyo at ako ay si SAN PEDRO.

RIKARDO : Ha? Kung ganon patay na ako!
SAN PEDRO : Ganon na nga iho.

RIKARDO : HINDI! HINDI ITO PWEDE! Ang dami ko pang hindi nagagawa ang dami ko pang naiwan sa mundo!

Maawa ka SAN PEDRO pabalikin mo sa lupa kahit man lang para makapagpaalam sa mga mahal ko sa buhay!

SAN PEDRO : Teka huminahon ka. Hindi ka na pwedeng bumalik bilang ikaw pero pwede kita i- reincarnate bilang isang inahing manok o bayawak!

RIKARDO : Mmmmm kung bayawak baka mapatay uli agad ako. Inahing manok lang po SAN PEDRO, pero ilagay nyo po ako dun sa bukid namin para malapit ako sa pamilya ko!

SAN PEDRO : OK pagbibigyan ko ang kagustuhan mo.

At muling nabuhay si RIKARDO bilang isang inahing manok. Nakita niya ang
sarili na puno ng balahibo at kasama niya ang ibang mga inahing manok sa
bukid nila. Kinausap siya ng isa pang inahing manok na si SUSY.

RIKARDO : Whew, isa na akong manok ganito pala ang feeling. Teka bakit parang umiinit ang tiyan ko at kumukulo?

SUSY : Ikaw ba yung bagong manok dito? Ganyan talaga ang pakiramdam kapag malapit ka nang mangitlog. Magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo siyang dumaloy.

RIKARDO : Ano? Mangingitlog ako! Oo nga pala inahin nga pala ako kaya normal lang siguro yun.

Kahit medyo kinakabahan si RIKARDO ay sinunod nya si SUSY at nailabas nya ang unang itlog. Matapos mailabas ang itlog ay guminhawa ang pakiramdam
ni RIKARDO.

RIKARDO : Wow ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng mangitlog, napakasarap! Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito, para akong isang ina na nagsilang ng sanggol napakasarap, ngayon ko lang naramdaman ito. Pero teka bakit parang meron pa?

SUSY : Huwag kang mag-alala di tulad ng tao, tayong mga manok kaya natin mangitlog ng isa hanggang walo, kaya magrelax ka lang at hayaan mo silang lumabas.

RIKARDO : Ganon ba? O sige. Maraming salamat SUSY! Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko pero totoong akaka- antig ng damdamin.

At muli na naman nangitlog si RIKARDO. Gumaan muli ang pakiramdam niya.
Napangiti at nasabi niya sa sarili niya na ito ang pinakamasarap na
naramdaman niya sa buong buhay niya kahit na noong namumuhay pa siya
bilang isang tao. Halos mapaluha siya sa galak. Naghahanda na sanang
ilabas ni RIKARDO ang pangatlo niyang itlog nang biglang may matigas na
bagay na pumalo sa ulo nya at may narinig siyang malakas na sigaw?.
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MISIS : HOOOY!!! GUMISING KANG DEMONYO KA! BAKIT
KA TUMATAE SA KAMA !!!

[bokkins]

Si Odie daming baon..basta kalokohan number 1..hihihi..dagdagan mopa kuya... Happy New Year

hahaha.,., nkakatuwa naman dto ang dami joke sumaya tuloy ako kahit malungkot hihihi.,., more more more.,.,.

uyy si carla. welcome back! kumusta canada? tambay ka na dito parati para masaya.

[carla3d]

Si Odie daming baon..basta kalokohan number 1..hihihi..dagdagan mopa kuya... Happy New Year

hahaha.,., nkakatuwa naman dto ang dami joke sumaya tuloy ako kahit malungkot hihihi.,., more more more.,.,.

uyy si carla. welcome back! kumusta canada? tambay ka na dito parati para masaya.

ok lang sir jay manalo.,.,.hihihi.,.,ok lang ako dto malamig en til now training pa din 1 week nlang tapos na medyo sobra bc kaya madalang lang ako mka online oo nga ang saya dto nawala tuloy lungkot ko dto heheh.,.,.mis u all cgp merry xmas en happy new yr sa lahat en sa cgp!.,.,.,godbless po.,.,

[pintura]

halimaw ka sir odi! ayan tuloy d ko na namalayan ang oras.labasan k n pala..hehhe..bitin post pa! ung story naman ng "sure or not"!

[nomeradona]

ok lang ako dto malamig en til now training pa din 1 week nlang tapos na medyo sobra bc kaya madalang lang ako mka online oo nga ang saya dto nawala tuloy lungkot ko dto heheh.,.,.mis u all cgp merry xmas en happy new yr sa lahat en sa cgp!.,.,.,godbless po.,.,

wow cute eto kana. musta na/. so enjoy lang para naman mapawi ang lungkot sa mga jokes nina odi et al.

[carla3d]

ok lang ako dto malamig en til now training pa din 1 week nlang tapos na medyo sobra bc kaya madalang lang ako mka online oo nga ang saya dto nawala tuloy lungkot ko dto heheh.,.,.mis u all cgp merry xmas en happy new yr sa lahat en sa cgp!.,.,.,godbless po.,.,

wow cute eto kana. musta na/. so enjoy lang para naman mapawi ang lungkot sa mga jokes nina odi et al.

ok lang ako sir nomer.,., merry xmas po en happy new year po.,.,.kayo sir musta po? oo nga pinapasyal ako ate leslie dto para daw mawala lungkot ko hihihi nawala nga galing ng mga joke ni kuya odi.,. asa pinas knaba sir? god bless po.,.,

[Guest]

MISIS : HOOOY!!! GUMISING KANG DEMONYO KA! BAKIT
KA TUMATAE SA KAMA !!!

NYAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA...Natawa ako dun sir ODI..hehehehe..

[i3dness]

Ayos itong idea na post.... Nakakatuwa hahahahah

Iton joke ko:

Arab at US Embassy ( Just joke )
Click here to joint the group




An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a Visa

Consul: What is your name?

Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?

Arab: both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........ isn't it hostile?

Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh.......... dear!

Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Consul: Oh.......... God!

Arab: Ya, I know it's Good ..for the health

Consul: Guards .take him out

Arab: Guard is ok.but sir, I always do in not out

Consul: for God's sake..

Arab: sir I can shakes only living animal's .how can god's?

Consul: Get.. Out

Arab: ok..I will take it out .but sir you need here only...

[carla3d]

Ayos itong idea na post.... Nakakatuwa hahahahah

Iton joke ko:

Arab at US Embassy ( Just joke )
Click here to joint the group




An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a Visa

Consul: What is your name?

Arab: Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?

Arab: Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?

Arab: both male and female and sometimes even camels

Consul: Holy cow!

Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!

Consul: Man,........ isn't it hostile?

Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh.......... dear!

Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!

Consul: Oh.......... God!

Arab: Ya, I know it's Good ..for the health

Consul: Guards .take him out

Arab: Guard is ok.but sir, I always do in not out

Consul: for God's sake..

Arab: sir I can shakes only living animal's .how can god's?

Consul: Get.. Out

Arab: ok..I will take it out .but sir you need here only...

hihihi sir natanggal lungkot ko dto sa joke mo ha.,.,.more more more.,.,.,hihihi

[carla3d]

Misis :Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga,masarap magluto?

Mister:Guni-guni!

***
TANONG:Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya mababastos?
SAGOT:'Uhm, excuse me, miss...Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?'

***
Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng
mga iyun?!

***
Nanay:Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak :Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

***
Mga sikat na salawikain:
Better late than pregnant.
Kapag may tiyaga, good luck!
Aanhin pa ang damo...kabayo ba ako?
Do unto others, then, run! Run! Run!
Ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay lumaki sa ibang bansa.
Ang lalaking nagigipit, sa bakla kumakapit..

***
Guro:Sino si Jose Rizal ?
Juan:Di ko po kilala.
Guro:Ikaw Pepe?
Pepe:Di ko rin po kilala..
Guro:Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro:Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section sya!

***
Paano humamon ng AWAY ang ...
BULAG?
Magpakita kayo mga Duwag!
DULING?
Isa Isa Lang! para patas ang Laban!
PILAY?
Patay kung Patay! Walang Takbuhan!

***
Husband:Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife:Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

***
Pedro:Pare balita ko bading ka daw. totoo ba?!
Ambo:Pare, Mga chismax lang 'yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila.... chura nila! hmpf!

***
Boy:Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl:Bakit?!
Boy:Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl:Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy:Yun nga eh...gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!


***
Juan:San ka galing?
Pedro:Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan:E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro:Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

***
BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?

Telephone Operator:Wala po, bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako! ***


Misis:lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto.
Timing (dumaan ang mister nya....)
Misis:Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister:Yoko sayo...kamukha mo misis ko!

***
American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American:Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro:Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimmingPaul.


***
Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA -pampapula ng dugo
KALABASA -pampalinaw ng mata
TALONG -pampatirik ng mata
MANI -pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.

***
Quote for the Day...
Ang Buhay ay parang bato...it's Hard.


***
Kapag may kaaway ka, tandaan mo....dito lang ako... dito lang talaga ako...tapos dyan ka lang, wag kang pupunta dito! Baka madamay ako.

***
Prospective Employer to Applicant: ' So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: ' The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'

***
Juan:Birthday ng asawa ko...
Pedro:Ano regalo mo?
Juan:Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro:Ano naman sinabi?
Juan:Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro:Ano binigay mo?
Juan:Baraha.

[chillrender]

pasali naman pwed bha video ang joke ko?

[bokkins]

dito ang funny videos chill >>> http://www.cgpinoy.org/tambayan-f7/funny-and-cool-videos-t1657.htm

[misssincere]

Mga Bagong Salawikaing Pilipino
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Better late than pregnant.
* Behind the clouds are the other clouds.
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ... stays together.
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang
pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw,
minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
* If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso

[christine]

nice one sis carl and misssincere ^^

eto pick-up lines naman.. nakakatawa so dito narin sa joke thread hahahaha...

-----
Minamalat na naman ang puso ko.
Paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo.
-----
Uy, picture tayo!
Para ma-develop tayo!
-----
Lecture mo ba ako?
Lab kasi kita.
-----
Pwede ba kita maging driver?
Para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko.
-----
Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard?
Kasi type kita.
-----
I hate to say this, but… you are like my underwear.
‘Coz i can’t last a day without you!
-----
P’wede ba kitang maging sidecar?
Single kasi ako eh.
-----
May lisensya ka ba?
‘Coz you’re driving me crazy.
-----
May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo?
May sira ata relo ko. Pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras.
-----
Am I a bad shooter?
‘Coz i keep on missing you.
-----
Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight?
O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako?
-----
Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh?
Kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad.
-----
Excuse me, are you a dictionary?
Because you give meaning to my life.
-----
Bangin ka ba?
Nahuhulog kasi ako sa’yo.
-----
Pustiso ka ba?
Kasi i can’t smile without you.
-----
Pagod na pagod ka na noh?
Maghapon at magdamag ka na kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh.
-----
Anong height mo?
Ha?!!! Pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko?
-----
Sana T na lang ako.
Para I’m always right next to U
-----
Are you Jamaican??
Kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!
-----
Ako ay isang exam.
Kaya sagutin mo na ako.
-----
Hinde tayo tao. Hinde tayo hayop.
Bagay tayo. Bagay talaga tayo.
-----
Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola?
Ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko.
-----
Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashu-shoot ba kita?
Hindi, para lagi kita mamimiss.
-----
Can i take your picture?
Coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for Christmas!
-----
Exam ka ba?
Gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!
-----
Mahilig ka ba sa asukal?
Ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo.
-----
Ibibili kita ng salbabida.
Kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko.
-----
I’m a bee.
Can you be my honey?
-----
Nakakatakot di ba ang multo?
Pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko.
-----
May butas ba puso mo?
Kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can’t find my way out!
-----
Hey, did you fart?
Coz you blew me away!
-----
Favorite subject mo ba Geometry.
Kasi kahit saang angle ka tignan ang ganda mo eh!
-----
Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?
Wala na akong maisip eh.
Coz all i ever think of is you.
-----

hahaha.. tawa naman dyan.. *kiliti kiliti* para matawa haha

[kurdaps!]

Yan ba diskarte ni Jpoy Mam Tine?

[christine]

Yan ba diskarte ni Jpoy Mam Tine?

nyahahahaha...! hindi po sir eh. ni wala sa nabanggit. hahaha.. may sariling diskarte un... walang katulad... and mas napapatawa nya ko ng higit pa dyan ^_^

[nomeradona]

ok yung mga yan tine.. sayang wala nyan nung binata pa ako....

[jaycobvargas]

tanong: paano mo masasabi sa matabang babae na mataba sya ng hindi sya mababastos?

sagot: miss! miss! mamula -mula ang kutis mo! "mang tomas" ba ang gamit mong lotion?

[christine]

ok yung mga yan tine.. sayang wala nyan nung binata pa ako....

hahahaha... sir nomer try nyo po sa misis nyo. pwede pa naman po yan hehe

[nomeradona]

hindi parin tine, ibang ang context nya... vietnamese kasi. so hindi nya maride ang mga cool phrases na ganito.

[pakunat]

ay ubos na. calling sir odi. wala nang jokes. magpost ka ulit

[pakunat]

eto share ko. nkita ko lang sa net.

BIDA SI INDAY

“There are tulips in the street,
there are tulips in the park.
But nothing compares to our two lips
meeting in the dark”

- pamatay lines ni Dodong kay Inday

========================

P500 - sun plan subscription
P1800 - glutathione 30 capsules
P600 - Olay Total Effects
P1500 - Crocs flip flops
P2000 - for mama

- Binudget ni Inday ang sweldo niya..

========================

Amo: Inday, paki-abot nga ‘yung ketchup…

Inday: While it can hardly be considered a health food, ketchup has been found to be a beneficial source of lycopene, an antioxidant which fights some forms of cancer. This is particularly true of the organic brands of ketchup. In fact, organic brands were found to contain three times as much lycopene as non-organic brands. Ketchup, much like marinara sauce and other cooked tomato foods, yields higher levels of lycopene per serving because cooking makes lycopene in tomatoes more bio-available.

Amo: Gaga!

========================

Amo: Inday, bakit kulang ang sukli na ibinigay mo?

Inday: Hmmm… The person from the selling entity might have experienced memory deficiency due to the difficulty in concentrating and that lack of concentration lead to forgetfulness in giving the excess monetary equivalent due from the purchased item.

Amo: I think I’m gonna faint!

========================

Amo: Inday, nganu gipasagdan man nimo si Junior nga pirti man ning tsabaw?

Inday: Sir, according to Erik Erikson’s psychosocial theory of growth and development, toddlers normally exhibit temper tantrums to express emotions such as anxiety. And the best intervention is to ignore the situation. However, one should provide safety to avoid danger during their tantrums.

Amo: pag churoi!

========================

Sa Resto:

Waiter : Ano po order nila maam?

Amo: Ung fried chicken meal na lang. Ikaw inday,ano sayo?

Inday: I would like to partake of a dish of sautéed pork and chicken,boiled in thick essence of soy and cane extracts,with copious amount of garlic, onion and laurel,sprinkled generously with fine spices and served with generous helping of root crop and a helping of rice.

Amo: Iho, paorder daw ng adobo with rice

========================

It is in mistakes that we learn how to grow to be better individuals.
Ypu may judge me for what you see but it is not my mistakes that determines who i am but it is what i do to make it right.

- sabi ni inday nung nakabasag sya ng pinggan

========================

Amo: Mula ngayon, wala nang magsasalita ng Ingles. Ang sinumang magpadugo ng ilong ko at sa mga anak ko, palalayasin sa pamamahay na ‘to. klaro ba?

Inday: Ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw, sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunamgunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran. Tatalikdan ang matayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingain, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkolooban.

========================

1. rendezvous
2. tete-a-tete
3. renaissance
4. buoyancy
5. queue
6. squeamish
7. impenetrable
8. dachshund
9. brochure
10. brassiere

- Inday habang tinuturuan ang 8-yr old na alaga matuto sa spelling

========================

The oil normalizing series specifically desgined for my oily skin not only works physically on the skin surface, but penetrates deep into the skin layers to normalize oil secretion for a healthy and long lasting oil free skin.

-paliwanag ni inday habagng nagpapahid ng chin-chan-su

—————————–

We need to give due respect and the presumption of regularity to the verdict laid down against the former President. but guilty or not guilt he will still be loved by people like me, people belonging to the masses.

-sagot ni inday sa interview ng CNN sa kanya sa kaso ni Erap.

————————–
Consul: Why do you wanna go to the US?
Amo: To travel to visit friends and fly the airplane.
Consul: Denied!

Consul: And you?
Inday: For life is a never-ending pursuit of material and social satisfaction that I tender my great intent of actualizing a transpacific journey to the land of milk and honey. An affable sanctuary where dreams become reality and a perfect habitat where souls like mine can reach the pedestal of freedom.
Consul: Lifetime multiple entry VISA granted!

Amo: Whaaat!!!

========================

Jeepney Driver: Hoy bakit sais alng ang binayd mo?! Syete na pamasahe naguon!

Inday: I am currently enrooled in a 2-year vocational course in an academic institution. therefore, I am a student and, by this fact, I am entitled to have the inalienable right to avail of a certain discount on my jeepney fare. This is why I provided a payment less than what you expected because that is according to the law as stated in the fare matrix.

Driver: (nosebleed)

========================

Overnight, inaral ng amo ni inday ang dictionary para may pangtapat na siya kay inday

Amo: so inday, tell me, how do you accept the fact that you are just a mere chaimbermaid in this extravagant mansion??

Inday:una camarera?eres tan pathetic. La unica razon que inscribi tu casa es porque nada esta sucediendo dentro de tu casa cuasi-agradable. Quisiera traer una poca clase en este hogar pero conjeturo que no puedo porque esta casa es fea.

Amo: what??!!(dumudugo na ilong)

========================

Nang nakauwi si Inday matapos mamalengke, nagalit ang kanyang amo…

Amo: Inday, hindi mo ba natanggap text ko? Tinext kita sabi ko bumili ka na rin ng giniling. Selpon selpon ka pa di naman nakakareceive ng text.

Inday: It’s not that I can’t receive any messages, it’s just that I was at a place with a weak cellular signal. You see, even though longer wavelengths have the advantage of being able to diffract to a greater degree and are less reliant on line of sight to obtain a good signal, it can still attenuate significantly. And because the frequencies which cell phones use are too high to reflect off the ionosphere as shortwave radio waves do, cell phone waves cannot travel via the ionospohere.

Amo: Pa-ayono-ayonospir ka pang nalalaman. magsaing ka na nga bago dumugo na naman ilong ko.

[naks mukhang ECE graduate din ata si Inday]

========================

Guess what? Those not-so stunning guys keeps on staring at my newly manicured nails while the copy-cat freaks envy my stylishly cut mane. Unfortunately after a great day at the spa, I have to step on this muddy and stinking place just to purchase some veggies!

- Si Inday, nakikipagchikahan sa tindera sa palengke.

========================

Nanay: Day, ba’t ba ang tigas-tigas ng ulo mo?

Inday: Inay, intransigence is just normal for us juveniles.

Nanay: Day, anong nakain mo? I’m perturbed by your words.

Inday: Nay, ala namang gantihan…

– noong bata si Inday

========================

“i understand that sexual urge is most of the time uncontrollable since a lot of factors contribute for it to be triggered..this is also the reason why some men are found to be polygamous and engage themselves in sexual acts even with someone who’s a total stranger to them..”

–sabi ni Inday sa sarili nya pagkatapos syang gapangin ni kuya…

========================

How dare u t0 insinuate such intolerable act of abusing our nature from a mere scrap of humanity such as
you. If you further insist, i’ll be forced to use my mental and physical capabilities just to pulverize u!

Litanya ni inday nung may nagtapon ng balat ng kendi sa tapat ng bhay ng amo nya..

========================

Boy Abunda: Inday, isang tanong. Diretsahan tayo. Baket ba mukhang ang lawak ng iyong pinag-aralan sa iba’t ibang larangan ng sining at teknolohiya? Ano ang nagsilbing inspirasyon sayo para gawin ito?

Inday: Boy, don’t you know how to count? Nevermind… to paraphrase Hayek, exclusive concentration on a specialty has a peculiarly baneful effect: it will not merely prevent us from being attractive company or good citizens but may impair our competence in our proper field.

Boy: Ahhh… [sabay kamot sa ulo]Kris: Boy, pinapahiya mo naman ang show eh. Ganito dapat. Inday, what Boy meant was what made you decide to pursue the knowledge of different academic uhh … ahh subjects?

Inday: Kris my dear, it’s either you’re not satisfied with my previous answer or simply did not understand it. I’ll just assume the latter. You see, these are all simply my abiding interests and all these tributaries flow into the same river. The thought of one’s research going into ever decreasing, derivative and infertile circles, just depresses me. Getz?

Boy and Kris: [sabay nag-nosebleed at nagtawag ng commercial break]

========================

“If the two eventually fell in love, despite the disparity of their ages and academic levels, this only lends substance to the truism that the heart has reasons for its own which reason does not know.”

Iyan naman ang sagot ni INDAY sa ina ni DODONG na tutol sa kanilang pagmamahalan.

========================

Amo: Inday, ba’t sinisipon si Junior?

Inday: He came in direct contact from surfaces contaminated with rhinoviruses which entered the cells of the lining of his nasopharynx which in turn rapidly multiplied. Thus, giving him a viral infectious disease of the upper respiratory system called acute viral nasopharyngitis.

Amo: [nosebleed sabay nataranta] what??! tumawag ka ng ambulansya! bilis!

Inday: Hayy, you’re so ignorant. As if you have not been afflicted with the common cold in the course of your existence.

========================

She is now becoming one of the fastest rising Internet stars today amassing a number of followers all over the world mostly Filipinos . Already surpassing Ederlyn, Yuga, the Numa Numa boy, the Chinese Backstreet Boys and even Casey and her cam.

Inday is getting a lot of popularity today mostly from word of mouth, SMS and e-mails. Her witty comments regarding her life as a domestic helper has already brought laughter and uncontrollable nosebleeds to us.

RL: Inday, thank you for accepting this interview, how are you feeling right now?

Inday: You might expect me to be flabbergasted or nervous with all the attention I’m getting right now. Actually, I’m not. I know from that very first text message that this is going to be inevitable. Even now the media is already interested in my fame that they sent you to interview me thinking that you can comprehend each and every word that I say.

RL: [nagpunas ng ilong] Uhmm, ahh I see… so with all your uhh academic credentials, what made you decide just to be a domestic helper?

Inday: Well, what do you expect me to be? A lawyer? A politician? A newscaster? Oh come on, you’re all so predictable. Have you met a domestic helper that has a medical degree, is a world-class culinary artist, has a degree in Business Management, a certified public accountant and consistent Best in English for four years in high school?

RL: Uhhm, ahh I guess not.

Inday: Well there you go. That’s what sets me apart and makes me unique from all the rest and I guess it’s something that you just can’t fathom.

RL: [tuluyan nang nag-nosebleed]

Inday: I guess this is the end of this interview. I still have to prepare our evening victuals and update my blog. Tatah! Hi nga pala to my love, Dodong! I love you babes.

========================

Inday: Are you certain that you want to transfer me back to earth?

St. Peter: Oo! Langya ka! Mano-nose bleed lang yung mga kaluluwa dito! Dun ka na uli magkalat sa lupa!

========================

It does not matter if you are the wife, or you’re the mistress. What matters is you showed your love, you experienced the joys and pain in loving. Coz from there, you’ll learn… that loving is not always easy.
- movie review ni Inday sa “A Love Story”! Bongga!

========================

Please pray for the quick recovery of Inday. She’s currently in the ICU because of excessive nose bleeding, which she had while accompanying Junior in his school’s Linggo Ng Wika Celebration. Please pass this to all whose lives, like mine, have been touched by Inday. Please pray for the quick recovery of Inday.

========================

Amo 1: Inday ano gamit mo sa katawan? Ang kinis mo kasi eh.
Amo 2: Siguro gumagamit ka ng papaya…
Ama 1: Baka naman kalamansi?
Inday: NO! …. ONLY BELO TOUCHES MY SKIN, WHO TOUCHES YOURS?
Amo 1 and 2:(tumbling)

[pakunat]

dami pla hehehe

[pakunat]

The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.
-nag-eexplain si inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.

=====================================

“Nurture others with positive truthful words, not words that hurt. It doesn’t cost anything to do so. But mean what you say, and say what you mean. Do it everyday. This is one of the most obvious qualities of the most beloved people. If you cannot be generous financially, at least be generous with your words.”
-sagot ni inday sa amo nya na di xa pinautang at minura-mura pa!

=====================================

“Ipomea aquatica has become the constant ingredient to this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rain and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessen the production in the market”
- sagot ni inday samin kung bakit walang KangKong sa nilutong sinigang

=====================================

I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber. Though the downpour of rain should’ve made it easy. This exuberant emotional glue i have for you,cannot be
simply washed away. The multiplicity of what i feel for you is inevitable. This isn’t platonic. It’s real, true romance.
- INDAY, nag eemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si dodong,ang bf nia..

=====================================

“potatoes, wen consumed n der raw state, r rapidly converted 2 glucose dat raises insulin leve;s bcoz of its simple sugar…wen cooked in high temperature lyk french fries, dey produce large amoun of free radicals n d body causing aging, clotting, inflammation, cancer, w8 gai… 1 french fry is worse dan 1 cigarette.
- inday (sagot nya sa amo nung tanungin xa kung bakit di sya nagluto ng french fries)nuritionist din pala si inday

=====================================

” I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reasons, has my emptiness made itself manifests, extending to that niche where i was given life and growth, that because of austerity i was made separated from….”
-INDAY habang ndi makatulog dahil na-ho-homesick .

=====================================

AMO: Inday, ano ginawa mo sa microwave natin at sumabog?

INDAY: Success is often the result of taking misstep in the right direction. Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I’ll show you somebody who has never achieved much.

AMO: Impostora! Lumayas ka dito!

=====================================

INDAY: Physical and excessive work may result to serious damage to ones body. It is therefore essential that once in a while we take a break from our usual routine to replenish the lost energy we once had.

*Sabi ni Inday sa Amo nya nung humingi sya ng day off*

=====================================

AMO: Inday, bakit mo binenta yung sira na silya?

INDAY: I have computed the chair’s value less cost to sell, and the value in use using projections for 5 years and a pretax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is an accordance with PAS18 on revenue, PAS16 on PPE, and PAS36 on Impairment of Assets.

AMO: *fainted*

Si Inday talaga, accountant din pala!

=====================================

“The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!”

- ganito nakipagbreak si Inday kay Dodong (driver ng kapitbahay)

====================================

“La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor?

- si Inday tumatawad sa merkado ng isinama siya ng amo sa España

=====================================

“Heavy fire exerted by the stimulus affected the best conductor of heat which is the steel,causing the Oriza Sativa to change it’s state of color,smell as well as the taste.”
-sagot ni inday ng tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit nasunog ang sinaing.

=====================================

Listening to the nonsense talk about someone’s life is a pathetic way of entertainment..it doesn’t contribute to the good of society..i hate character assassinators!..
- reklamo ni inday nang natsismis siya ng kapitbahay. (i love the last line.)

=====================================

“You’ll never know wat u have til it’s gone… And once u loose it, u can never get it back….”
-si Inday na isnatchan sa quiapo

=====================================

Dear Mom,

Had i not been able to smell the salt, i must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me. Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was summoned by the principal of hil shabilly runned academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never though being a governess can be such strenuous employ!

Your daughter,

Inday

Dear Inday,
Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka ng pera! Nasa ospital ang nanay mo, dumugo ang ilong pagkabasa ng pesteng sulat mo!
–TATAY

=====================================

Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce..
Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil ..
Lychee and peach salad with sour cream and cream cheese topped with lemon zests..
—mga baon ni junjun sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday.

=====================================

Ich bin jetzt berühmt geworden dürch diesen Pexer.Mach weiter so,das gefällt mir!!!
(naging sikat ako ngayon gawa ng pexer,pagpatuloy ninyo gusto ko yan)
Si Inday marunong din pala maggerman!!

=====================================

“I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can offer will boost the work progress.”

-sagot ni Inday sa interview ng bago niyang amo!
=====================================

“Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.”
- sagot ni Inday nang tanungin ng amo kung bakit may bukol si Junior.

=====================================

“Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just landed on my cutie top? I mean I’ve spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I’ll have this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!”

- reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan sya ng mantika habang nagluluto ng tilapia
=====================================

“Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution! “

- si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate… (Taray talaga ni Inday!)

=====================================

Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!
Inday: Because I don’t want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.

=====================================

“It’s absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because they suck!”
- Inday, kasama si Junior sa principal’s office.

=====================================

Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.
Amo: (nosebleed)

=====================================

“Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you!”
- si Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na maglikot.

=====================================

“Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they’ll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so.”

- sagot ni Inday kung bakit umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7. (i also love this one!)

=====================================

“Allergens triggered the immune response. Eosinophilic migration occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin including histamine and prostaglandins. These substance results to increase circulation to the site promoting redness.”

- sagot ni inday nun tanungin ni sir kung bakit may rashes si Junior

=====================================

Did it ever occur to you that the ultraviolet rays of the idiot box can bring harmful radiation to the retinal area? It could lead to blurred vision, worse, permanent blindness?

- pinagalitan ni inday si junior sa sobrang lapit manood ng kokey! (wahahahaha!)

====================================

“To forrestall further hopes of acquaintance, my unfathomable statement to the denial of your request. Petition denied.”
- reply ni Inday nang i-text ni dodong kung pwede sya maging txtmate.

=====================================

Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda, ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon, would you please buy many fishes for this week’s meals?

Inday: Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term fishes though rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the most pressing question before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses) Ahh…given the meager budget afforded by this household’s quasi-peasant class taste, I assume I shall source the staple “galewng-gong“. Yes?

Amo: Eh kung mag-empake ka na kaya?!

====================================

Thank you for calling. This is Indigh. How can I provide you world class service today?

- Inday. Nag-call center na. Finally!! ====================================

“Don’t limit my capacity in the 4 corners of this luxurious abode. Expose me to the real challenges of the outside world. I want to grow as an individual with dynamic experiences.”

- Inday, nagrereklamo dahil ayaw isama sa Enchanted Kingdom.

====================================

“i pity you for you have degraded you’re very own pride and dignityby resorting to this despicable behavior just for wealth. and i hope tha one day you’ll realize that you should not use humans as means of your ends. as what the great philosopher Kant uttered, “treat a man as an end in himself”.! - sagot ni inday sa holdaper na nanghoholdap sa kanya.

Shut up,because if you don’t, the bullet in this gun will rest upon your empty head! - sagot holdaper - ang sosyal na talaga nila!!!

====================================

Dear Inday,

I’m sorry to inform you that your resignation was denied by the upper management due to your contract of 5 years or make love with the amo clause. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Yours truly,
Ma’am

====================================

Dear Sir/Madam,

Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made initial survey of current market prices. Note however that prices could vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand which we also monitor on an hourly basis.

- si inday, nagpapaalam bumili ng bagong electric fan
====================================

How dare u 2 insinuate such intolerable act of abusing our nature from a mere scrap of humanity such as u. F u further insist, il b forced 2 use my mental and physical capabilities just 2 pulverize u!

– Litanya ni inday nung may nagtapon ng balat ng kendi s tapat ng bhay ng amo nya. Nagmamaldita tlaga ang lola m!ü

====================================

Hell is a place with big houses, luxurious cars, grate tasting dishes and nonstop parties.

And Heaven?

It’s only a small room with nothing in it…but YOU….

-message ni inday para kay dudung sa kanilang 1st monthsary

====================================

Amo:Inday ano ulam natin? Darating n sir mo.

Inday:Due to the infrequent mass media coverage around hogcholera, I’d consequently given a judgement on sauteing exquisite scallops in unsalted butter together w/ pungent white onion & tossed it w/ brisk asparagus. I’d also assented to twist it w/ fresh lemonzest & advance its taste via blending a petty amount of chardonay whitewine as well as a cup of viscous cream.

Amo:(napatumbling)

====================================

Sometimes, we fall in love and thought that it would be endless, we thank God for it.. but when someone comes and to make life better, what can we ask God then? You know what, I would ask God to make me love again… and this time.. make it permanent..

- Sinabi ni Inday sa kanyang sarili ng iwan siya ni Dodong.

====================================

What separates men from animals is his ability to talk and express his feelings. History has told us to fight when our right to communicate and self-expression is suppressed. If you don’t like what I say, the way I say it, or the manner I do it, I apologize. But don’t hinder me from practising my inherent right.

- Sagot ni Inday ng mahuling nakikipagchismisan sa kapitbahay.

====================================

Much as I would want to indulge in the proliferation of such incident and malicious information, I want to lift the stigma and alleviate society’s perception of our profession. we are not here to thrive on humor but rather, we should engage in objective and top of the line service to our designated employers.

- Inday (tumangging makipagtsismisan sa katulong sa kabilang bahay. Professionalism at its best!)
====================================

I’m still a human being, attracted to anyone my heart beats on, and I have my limitations in controlling my feelings. I have to push myself into not loving him. This is so wrong…

Si Inday na-inlove sa amo. Ibang level na talaga…

====================================

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

Name: Inocencia Binayubay

Nickname: Inday (of course)

Age: 18

Parents: Mang Andoy at Aling Seling

Siblings: Iying – 13, Itoy – 8, Iking: 5

Educ:

College – La Salle Zobel 2nd year (Scholar)

High School: P. Gomez High School (Valedictorian, Best in English)

Elem: Sta. Monica Elem School (Valedictorian, best in dancing)

Kaya pala…it shows!

Work Experience: Household service manager (katulong) – Mr. and Mrs. Matapobre

Died: Sept. 1, 2007 Cause of death: Asphyxia due to strangulation (namatay sa sakal ng amo!)

[pakunat]

eto pa kaso medyo may laman kaya link na lang:

http://32flavors.wordpress.com/a-dumbass-guide-to-surivival/

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